Sex. Speedrunning. Not two things you expect to hear in the same sentence – and yet here I am, writing an article about it.

Speedrunner tomatoanus, who you may remember from his world record Fallout anthology speedrun (and his rather colourful username), has returned with yet another wacky video. Not content with whizzing through Fallout 1, 2, 3, New Vegas and 4 in under 90 minutes, tomatoanus’ latest speedrun is all about sex. Specifically, getting it as fast as possible. Like a night out in Magaluf.

Similar to his other world record speedruns, tomatoanus played through the games considered by the community to be the “main” titles in the Fallout series, with the goal being to have sex in each game as quickly as possible. This apparently has its own unofficial category, called a “sex%” run, and has already been attempted by a number of speedrunners in Fallout 4 (check out these ones by Jinjenia and Duchys).

Fallout 4 appears to have the longest time-to-sex, partly because there’s a huge amount of dialogue to get through at the beginning. Vault-tec guy really is a cock block.

Although there isn’t a huge amount of cumpetition for sex% speedrunning the games back-to-back, the latest attempt by tomatoanus sets a new world record time of 23:07 – beating his own previous record of 24:06. According to tomatoanus, sex% runs use the same rules as any% runs, meaning glitches are allowed.

Most of the Fallout sex% runs seem to involve getting to a hotel room as fast as possible – armed with cash after having sold a bunch of stimpacks. tomatoanus also uses some clever tricks such as playing Fallout 4 in German. Normally speedrunners play Fallout 4 in French, as this language has the fastest dialogue speed – but as the sex% run only requires the beginning, German is the fastest to use. Talk about attention to detail.

Somewhat more disturbingly, however, it turns out the fastest way to have sex in Fallout 3 is as a 10-year-old. The reason for this is it’s the earliest possible point in the timeline at which you can glitch out of the vault. Aside from when you’re a baby – but using this character model significantly impacts your walk speed. Another pro tip is to push your lady-friend towards the hotel bed to speed things up. All of which makes for a fast speedrun, but a really, really awful social situation.

Aside from the appalling ramifications of using that glitch, the speedrun is incredibly entertaining, and tomatoanus’ commentary is pretty good at explaining the techniques used in the run. At least speed is a good thing in this situation… for once.

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