DOOM: The Dark Ages is like the reassuring comfort of a favourite pair of socks. And just like those fluffy, well-worn ankle warmers, it’s positively putrid this time around. iD Software’s latest concoction of FPS carnage in a prequel that asks the question: “What if the Slayer spent less time at the gym and more time at a Renaissance Fair?”
Remember Eternal? That frantic, triple-jumping, platforming headache that had you sweating like a fat man in a chip shop? Well, bin all that. The Slayer has clearly been hitting the pies and the squat rack in equal measure. This time around, he’s a walking siege tank, grounded and ready to rumble. It’s a bit of a shock to the system—like finding out your favourite pub has started serving kale smoothies—but once you get used to the weight, there’s a certain primal joy to it.
Technical Marvels: Hordes and PC Optimization
One major improvement that’ll make your graphics card sweat like a glassblower’s arse is the sheer number of enemies iD Software has managed to cram onto the screen. DOOM 2016 and Eternal were no slouches when it came to hordes, but The Dark Ages takes it to another level—an outright demonic conga line. It’s genuinely exhilarating.
With verticality dialled way down and arenas more grounded, you’re forced to confront the chaos head-on. No more bunny-hopping your way out of danger like a caffeinated marsupial. But the best part? Despite all this madness, the game runs buttery smooth. Once again, iD proves they’re operating in another dimension when it comes to technical optimisation. If only they could optimise my social life this well.
The New Arsenal: Shield, Flail, and the Dreadmace
To help you out, you’ve got a fancy new serrated shield. It’s part Captain America, part angry lawnmower, and 100% effective at turning Imps into confetti. No chainsaw this time (shame, that), but the shield-and-flail combo is enough to satisfy even the most depraved thirst for ultraviolence.
Resource management—health, ammo, armour—has also been updated. The chainsaw’s mechanical “get-out-of-jail-free” function is now split across your melee tools. The Slayer’s right hand features a rotating set of medieval melee implements, from spiked gauntlets to flails and, eventually, the satisfyingly brutal ‘Dreadmace’. Each one serves as a means of triggering resource drops and offers its own crunchy brand of ultraviolence. It’s all very Berserk-by-way-of-DOOM, and frankly, we’re here for it.
Weapons have been streamlined, too. Each gun now features a primary and secondary mode, which you can switch between fluidly. The Pulveriser, which crushes skulls and sends bone shards flying in a glorious arc, quickly became my go-to. But let’s be honest: nothing ever truly dethrones the Super Shotgun. It’s the gaming equivalent of a warm hug, if a warm hug involved 12-gauge buckshot and a face-full of soot.
Pacing Issues: Is the Medieval World Too Big?
It’s not all sunshine and dismemberment, though. The maps are massive, which sounds great on the back of the box, but in practice, it’s a bit of a pacing nightmare. You’ll have a frantic, heart-stopping scrap with a hundred Mancubi, only to spend the next ten minutes wandering through a misty field looking for shiny trinkets. The tension just evaporates. It’s like being in the middle of a riot and then suddenly finding yourself in a branch of Waitrose.
And don’t even get me started on the mechs and dragons. On paper, it’s every twelve-year-old’s dream. In reality? They’re about as interactive as a screensaver. You’re on rails, watching the scenery go by while you occasionally click a button. All sizzle, no steak, and frankly a bit of a waste of time.
Final Verdict: A Step Back in Time
Technically, the game is a triumph. It runs smoother than a greased weasel on even modest rigs, and the lighting is enough to make your eyeballs throb. But while the tech is futuristic, the soul of the game feels a bit… stuck.
The story is there, I suppose—lots of talky bits and lore for people who care about that sort of thing—but we’re here to shoot things in the face, not join a book club. The music is alright, but it lacks that Mick Gordon ‘kick-you-in-the-balls’ energy we’ve come to love.
In the end, DOOM: The Dark Ages is a gorgeous, gory step sideways. It’s a technical marvel and a blood-soaked blast when the action is thick, but the pacing issues and gimmick fatigue keep it from being an all-time classic. Still, “Eat skull fragment, you fat fuck!” remains a sentiment we can all get behind.
