With the Covid19 lockdown providing the perfect excuse for avid gamers to do what they do best, spring 2020 should be a time of joy for players everywhere.
Finally, a society that has shunned the hardcore FIFA player as an obese dickhead with no social life must embrace the 20-hour gaming session. For people, we are living through a virus pandemic of Sci-Fi Proportions. What better do we have to look forward to then hundreds of hours trying to pay off our house in Animal Crossing? Other than getting the living fuck blown out of our digital selves in Doom Eternal…?
But for all those healthy outdoorsy types who are now frantically shopping on Amazon for a Switch, a chilling warning has emerged. OnlineCasino.ca have conducted a study into the effects of hardcore gaming. Specifically, what would happen to a healthy body if it locked itself in a room, grabbed a controller and played 1st Person Shooters non-stop for 20 years.
The results are anything but pretty…
Our gamer friend is called Michael and he has a severe case of PlayStation thumb from acquiring every car in Gran Turismo. He also has a crippling instance of Nintendo arthritis from trying to beat Super Mario: The Lost Levels on the NES arcade. Other symptoms include hair loss, hunched shoulders, chronic eyestrain and pasty white skin from never seeing the warm summer sun.
Swollen ankles, varicose veins, a breath-taking potbelly. The list of ugly and broken goes on and on….
Personally, we at TNT feel that Michael’s treatment at the hands of OnlineCasino.ca is grossly unfair. This man has clearly suffered greatly for his gaming. Suffering like this can only be achieved in the pursuit of something beautiful. Like finishing Cuphead in a single sitting. And all beautiful things require sacrifice. So, lay off the poor fucker you guys and go buy an Alienware. If this virus thing really sticks, we’ll all look like Michael soon enough!
Editors note: I apologise for all the Amazon links in this article, the news team got overly excited when I told them we could make money from the links if you click on them. They needn’t worry though, I’m sure you’re not bothered by this.