In a ball-shakingly shocking move, games industry overlord Electronic Arts has admitted what an arsehole it’s been since 1995 and has vowed to make up for what it calls “deliberate and destructive douche-baggery”.
EA CEO Andrew Wilson broke down in tears on a Zoom call to the Associated Press, finally admitting “We’ve been deliberately pissing gamers off for years, it’s what we liked to call ‘brown ditch thinking’ – but I just can’t take the guilt anymore. Being stuck indoors due to this bullshit Chinese hoax has made me realise how deluded we’ve been. It’s time to give something back to gamers who, when I think about it, are not just biological husks doomed to suckle at our proverbial teat for all eternity. They’re more useful than that!”
Initially known for creating decent sports titles, come the mid 1990s EA would start to buy up other studios, with the express purpose of killing off their excellent games, stymieing the competition. Bullfrog, Maxis, Westwood and many more were brought to heel – their games hamstrung, their legacy forgotten.
Nowadays EA controls Bioware, Respawn, DiCE and many more great teams who have been living in fear of a similar fate. That is, until now.
“We’re turning over a new leaf” continued Wilson “from now on, we’re gonna focus on making truly fun games to play, offering real value to customers and being totally straight with them. We’re gonna let our fine teams around the world express themselves as they did before we acquired them, and give them all the time they need to make their games great before we release them. No more dodgy DLC, no more loot boxes, no more hoarding fan-favourite IP. In fact, we’re working with those wonderful guys and gals who ran Bullfrog to make a proper Dungeon Keeper 3! I can’t wait, the people might actually like us again!” he wailed ecstatically.
With the world disintegrating around us, isn’t it wonderful to know that on today of all days, EA is finally going to make good. Oh happy day.